Offensive Jokes - *graphic*

I'de just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him 'I wish I had your will
power.'



I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.



A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about
the wait.'
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it
eventually.'



I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
I said 'Nope,
you're still black'



Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!



An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks 'What is wrong??'

The boy says 'Me ma is dead.'

'Oh bejaysus the man says.

Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? '

The boy replies No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'



Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!



Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.



I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself; "I'm going to take that".



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I? '
The Irish farmer
looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."



I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the last question - which I
got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??

The answer I should have given was Fiji ...
«1

Comments

  • edited February 2013
    Yeah,  those are good for a chuckle. I wish I had something to throw into the pot, but I'm the kind that gets to the "end" and realizes I said the windup in the wrong order.

    Here's a picture of Bob Saget for your trouble

    image
  • Damn, that's harsh Lello!
  • *yoink*

    I will be stealing these.
  • Sorry for the ALL CAPS. Copypasta is a bitch.


    THE FIRST SERMON

    THE NEW PRIEST, AT HIS FIRST MASS, WAS SO AFRAID HE
    COULD HARDLY SPEAK. BEFORE HIS SECOND WEEK IN THE PULPIT, HE ASKED THE MONSEIGNOR HOW HE
    COULD RELAX. HE SAID FOR HIM TO PUT MARTINIS IN THE WATER PITCHER IN PLACE OF WATER. AFTER
    A FEW SIPS, HE SAID, EVERYTHING SHOULD GO SMOOTHLY. THE NEXT WEEK, THE YOUNG PRIEST PUT
    HIS ELDER'S SUGGESTION INTO PRACTICE AND REALLY TALKED UP A STORM. AFTER THE SERMON WAS
    OVER, HE ASKED THE MONSEIGNOR HOW HE HAD DONE. HE REPLIED, "FINE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW
    THINGS YOU SHOULD LEARN BEFORE YOU ADDRESS THE CONGREGATION AGAIN."



    1. NEXT TIME SIP THE MARTINIS, RATHER THAN GULP THEM DOWN BY THE GLASSFUL.



    2. THERE ARE 10 COMMANDMENTS, NOT 12.



    3. THERE ARE 12 DISCIPLES, NOT 10.



    4. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH. HE DIDN'T "KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM."



    5. WE DON'T REFER TO OUT SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST AND HIS DISCIPLES AS "THE LATE J.C. AND
    THE BOYS."



    6. NEXT SUNDAY, THERE WILL BE A TAFFY PULLING CONTEST AT SAINT PETER'S, NOT A PETER
    PULLING CONTEST AT SAINT TAFFY'S!



    7. WE DON'T REFER TO THE CROSS AS "THE BIG T."



    8. THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY SPIRIT ARE NOT REFERRED TO AS "THE BIG DADDY, JUNIOR,
    AND THE SPOOK."



    9. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, IT'S THE VIRGIN MARY, NOT "MARY WITH THE CHERRY!"

  • edited February 2013
    Not really offensive, but:

    Bill worked in a pickle factory, he'd worked there for over twenty years.  One day he came home early, when his wife asked why he was home so early he told her he'd been fired.  

    "Why on earth did they fire you?  You have a spotless record there for years!"

    "Well, sweetheart", he replied heavily, "I have to confess - over the years I've had this compulsion; I always wondered what it would feel like to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...."

    "....and today I couldn't hold back the urge any longer."

    "You didn't!?" his wife gasped, asking if he was OK.  He replied that he was fine.

    "What about the pickle slicer?" she continued.  

    "Oh, they fired her too."
  • What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

    A pizza doesn't scream when it's in the oven.
  • You win

    /thread
  • edited February 2013
    Sister Margaret is soaking in a nice peaceful bath when she hears a soft knock on the door.

    "Who is it?" she asks in a happy sing-song voice.  

    The reply is a deadpan "the blind man".

    While she IS in the tub, the good sister thinks "oh, what's the harm, he can't see anything anyway.", she replies "come in."

    At that, a burly man with a couple of boxes under his arm strolls into the bathroom and says "Nice tits, lady.  Where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
  • An Italian and a Jew walk down the street seeing the sights and talking about life.

    The two men immediately stop their conversation as a beautiful girl walks towards them. She has the face of an angel and the body of a goddess, and is wearing a thin cotton blouse and very short skirt.

    The Italian turns to his friend and says, "Boy, would I like to screw her!".

    The Jew says in frustration, "Out of what?".

  • What's red and sits in the corner?

    Baby chewing on a razor blade.

    What black and white and black and white and black and blue?

    Nun falling down the stairs.


    So, this hunter is out hunting bears.  He's on the trail on a big brown grizzly bear that's known in the area as the most ferocious and smartest of all.

    He's been up since before dawn, and has settled in with his rifle and scope with a good look of the grizzly bear's normal watering hole.  Sure enough, down the slope comes the grizzly, and just when the hunter thinks he's got a good bead on him, the grizzly disappears.

    Next thing he knows there's a "tap tap" on his shoulder.  The hunter turns around and there's the bear, who slaps him across the face and down to the ground, pulls down his pants, and rapes him silly.

    The hunter returns home, walking kinda funny, and says nothing, but quietly vows revenge.

    A few weeks later he's back out in the woods, tracking the grizzly.  He finds a large amount of tracks in the same valley - and settles in up in a place on the southern slope with a good view.  Sure enough, early in the morning, there comes the grizzly, sniffing around, clearly out looking for food.  Just when the hunter has his sights set and the bear in view, the grizzly disappears.

    Not much time later, he feels a "tap tap" on his shoulder, and the hunter turns around to get SLAPPED to the ground, at which point the grizzly waves a paw as if to say, "no no, bad hunter", pulls down the hunter's pants and rapes him silly.

    The hunter, of course, says nothing to his buddies, or to his wife, or anyone, but quietly vows vengeance against the bear.

    And sure enough, several weeks later the hunter is back in the field, still walking a bit funny, but ready to take on the grizzly.

    This time he tracks the grizzly back to a hole in the wall, and thinks he's found the grizzly's den.  The hunter finds a great spot with a clear shot of the entrance, and settles in.

    Before he can even draw a bead, he feels a "tap tap" on his shoulder, the grizzly slaps the rifle away, and says, "You really aren't out here for hunting, are you?"




  • An Italian and a Jew walk down the street seeing the sights and talking about life.

    Leave it to a cheap bastard like you to recycle a lawyer joke.
  • MC Escher said:

    An Italian and a Jew walk down the street seeing the sights and talking about life.

    Leave it to a cheap bastard like you to recycle a lawyer joke.



    No, this is a lawyer joke:

     

    The attorney’s secretary interrupts him. "There is a Mrs. Stirling here asking if you can do her Will."



    Mrs. Stirling was old, probably approaching 90. She walked slowly and had thick, Coke bottle glasses. The attorney spent the better part of an hour discussing her family and her assets. He drafted a will that reflected her wishes, had her executed, had his staff witness it, and put it into an envelope. He handed it to her and told her the bill for this would be $500.



    Mrs. Stirling’s boney, trembling hand reached into her purse and pulled out her pocketbook. She held her pocketbook close to her face and counted out five $100 bills. She handed payments to the attorney. As he recounted the money, he noticed that the new bills were stuck to one another and that she had actually handed him $700.



    He knew that Mrs. Stirling could not see well enough to know that she had overpaid. This left the attorney facing an ethical question:

    Should he tell his partner about the extra $200?

     


     

  • zukiphile said:

    An Italian and a Jew walk down the street seeing the sights and talking about life.

    Leave it to a cheap bastard like you to recycle a lawyer joke.



    No, this is a lawyer Documentary:


     

    Fixed
  • A guy is in a public restroom using a urinal when a midget walks up to the urinal next to him.  Curious, the man glances down and notices the midget's dick is huge.  The man has always been embarrassed about his small penis so he speaks up.

    "Wow! Where can I get one of those."

    "Well, I'm a leprechaun, and if you let me screw you up the ass, yours will grow just as big."

    The guy thinks about it for a moment and figures what the hell.  They go into an empty stall and do the deed.  When they're done, the guy looks down and doesn't notice a difference.

    "So, when will it get bigger?"

    "How old are you?"

    "I'm 32."

    "Still believe in leprechauns, eh?"

  • Another lawyer documentary:


    A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash.  He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin.  He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

    A week later the man died.  At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

    By chance, these three met several months later.  Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin.  He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America.  He asked for their forgiveness.

    The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity.  The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it.  He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

    By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage.  He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behaviour of two of his oldest and most trusted friends.  "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend.  I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.  Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
  • That joke is older than Bart.
  • edited February 2013
    Just a sample of:


    The USENET Canonical List of Blonde Jokes

         Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
    A: Alone.

    Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
    A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

    Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
    A1: Blow in her ear.
    A2: Buy her another beer.

    Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
    A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

    Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
    A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

    Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
    A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

  • How many Boulderites (as in Boulder, Colorado, but you can swap in Californians, or liberals in general)
    does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None.

    Somebody organizes a workshop on how to deal with darkness in your life....
  • Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Twenty:
    • 2 to pull the proper permits
    • 3 more to complete the appropriate environmental impact statements and file a cleanup & disposal plan if you are using any type of fluorescent bulb.
    • 2 additional if the bulb is in a bathroom, because you need the wetlands waivers.
    • 6 to provide security against the Union protesters outside who are picketing you for using scab labor.
    • 1 Public Relations contact to deal with the press that is covering the Union protest.
    • 2 accountants to submit the financial disclosure forms prior to the EPA approvals.
    • 3 lawyers to deal with the local, State and Federal agencies involved in the project.
    And one more to drive to the store to get the bulb, bring it back and install it.
  • Q:  How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
  • How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

    None; they're all stuck in the dark and prefer to stay that way.

  • Husband's temper.














    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?



    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."



    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your
    husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing
    it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
    either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."



    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
    started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
    calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"



    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
  • You could see that one coming a mile away.

    Still true, however...
  • Mary had a little lamb.

    The doctor fainted.
  • What the fuck is that?
  • dgm said:

    What the fuck is that?

    Hot.
  • edited March 2013
    The priest at a church is in the midst of hearing confessions when he has the need to respond to nature's urgent call. He would prefer to not close down the confessionals so he decides to find someone to fill on for a couple of minutes while he relieves himself. 
    He realizes the diocese has just assigned the church a newly ordained priest. Thinking he'll be eager to fill in for the experience, he calls for him to take over for a few minutes - giving him the basics of assigning an appropriate penance. 
    The young priest is nervous but pleased to have the opportunity for experience. The elder priest explains that people come in and confess, and you just read the chart on the wall, and give the appropriate penance. The eager young padre settles in for some on the job training.
    Just then a guy comes in and confesses that he has committed oral sex. The novice priest looks at the chart, but the penalty for oral sex isn't on the list. He didn't know what to do, so he decided to ask someone. He looks outside and sees an altar boy standing nearby - he motions him over and whispers "What does the Father usually give for oral sex?" The boy replies "Usually just a bag of chips and a can of Coke."
  • edited March 2013
    .
    image


    Ever have one of those days?!
Sign In or Register to comment.